mens swimsuit guide summer 2017

Don’t Be Caught with the Wrong Bottom This Summer3 min read

Mens Summer 2017 Swimwear Guide

Whether you’re traveling the globe this summer, hitting Madrid for World Pride, or just hanging at the pool with your kitty girls, make sure you aren’t caught with your pants down… at least for the first round of drinks.

Board shorts are old news, especially for the gays, there’s a reason they say “don’t skip leg day,” so here are some of my favorite picks so you aren’t caught with the wrong bottom(s), this summer.

From GQ, to Esquire, to Andy Pritchard here is what’s hot to make sure your bottom gets first pick.


$29.90 ZARA.COM

The king of fast fashion has done it again… Borrowing motifs from Fashion Houses like Valentino, Prada, and Frescobol Carioca, these are perfect for the front deck of the yacht with a glass of rose… but on an inflatable boat budget.

zara swimwear


$64.50 JCREW.COM now an extra 25% too

Maybe you’re meeting his parents this summer and you know he has a history of skanks in his past. Win Mom over by keeping some length on those legs, but not too close to the knee to make him go soft. Prints are a fun way of being bold and getting a conversation started at the bar that could lead to a third for after his parents turn in.


Put on any swim from and we can only hope we have the ethereal beauty that troll the pages of another gay insta-famous fashion brand. Cerulean mini brief gives me illusions of ‘Devil wears Prada’ grandeur and the graffiti graphics have me singing Neon Hitch ‘tag me’ shaking my hips at Jackie ‘O Mykonos living my best life. You should too. 

bang! swimwear miami

Tom Ford

MRPORTER.COM ALSO on sale! $620 now 50% off $310!

This guy checks all my boxes! The retro short. The larger pattern (always more flattering). This will take you from beach to the bourgiest of bars, certain to nab you some booty, and I’m not talking the Pirate persuasion either. Perfection doesn’t come cheap.. just ask my surgeon, but if you’ve got the coin, who cares! Treat YOSELF!

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Tom Ford Mens Swimwear

Maor Luz


Call me guac cause I cost extra!! Vibrant colors, fun pattern.. and if I had a body like that you could call me the good fat. Bart Simpson had the right idea in just 3 little words. EAT MY SHORTS! Tortilla chips are optional and you won’t be getting detention if you do ?

maor luz avocado swim wear



They aren’t called Grand Finales for nothing… these tear-away trunks couldn’t squeal campier. I mean, do gay bears have anonymous sex in the woods? After all nothing is more patriotic and American than the great bald eagle across your ass. Now where’s my covfefe 45!

Chubbies Tear Away Trunks Mens Swimwear


Charlie by MZ


– Known for their Grecian foil and vibrant colors with animal prints, Charlie by MZ offers a super sexy silhouette for almost every gay. The trainer short is a great way to show off your assets, From Sitges to Fire Island.. if you got a big booty, size up J. Lo!

charlie by mz mens swimwaer



For the gay dad that has to be the cutest blanket at the beach… The water reactive swim trunks are simple, until wet..From Dad Bod to Daddy, they range from small to 5XL. St. Tropez life doesn’t come cheap, but neither are private schools or Panameras.

vilebrequin WATER REACTIVE mens swimwear

Danny Miami


Nothing from Miami is subtle or demure, these bad boys are definitely for the attention seeker. The website, and I quote said “sexy conservative,” and I’m not talking Paul Ryan.. these printed pieces are certain to grab the pool-goers by the balls and focus straight to your family jewels.

Bombers Are the Must-Have Jacket for Every Guy

danny miami swimwear